Day Nineteen: Going Through The Motions

Each of the few past days, I've willed myself through writing an entry in this blog. I've foolishly put it off until I've had little energy remaining and the temptation becomes strong to blow off writing and simply go to sleep. But I can be proud of the fact that I did not give in to the simple temptation; however, I did not write my best work either, it was uninspired, written simply to fufill a goal.

Sometimes it seems as if going through the motions is necessary. At least it further solidifies the habit of writing daily, and although good writing requires energy and passion, just the rote practice of an activity may improve one's skill. Writing is such an amazing skill, one that I do wish to master, that establishing this habit is of utmost importance.

Fake it until you make it, a tired cliche, but one that I believe applies here. I have to continue plowing through this blog, hoping that as I practice writing, my writing will improve. This is not guarenteed; without the feedback of others, I am depending on my own aesthetic taste of my own writing to be a benchmark. This could be unwise, as I could very well be very biased. So, perhaps I need to invest in getting this blog a readership so that I have someone to judge my posts. At the same time, investing such eneregy means that I have less to invest in other, perhaps more important, ventures.

For now, I will continue forcing myself to write here daily, especially during the last few weeks of this month of discipline. I currently have little hope of this blog catching on in any significant way, but at least it will stand here if anyone is interested in my personal struggle here with self discipline.

Tomorrow, I am challenging myself to write all day; not in this blog, but a paper that is my next scholastic challenge. I always seem to find excuses to put off these intense writing tasks. But tomorrow, I will be strong and focused, and will make significant progress.

One thing I must resist, is the temptation to drink tomorrow night; it will be extremely difficult, and I have actively placed myself in an extremely tempting location that has many delicious beers. I fear that I may capitulate, because the day of writing may sap all the self-restraint that I have. However, I am up to the challenge, and I believe that I may surprise myself with restraint.

The payoff is self-respect, while the cost is a humbling sense of failure. While a beer is tasty, it is not worth the heavy demoralization that failure brings, especially when this is the last weekend before I will allow myself to drink (at least temporarily, for Halloween!). Drinking is a crutch, a simple drug that dulls worry temporarily. It is a welcome relief, a delightful medicine, and yet, somewhat of an addiction.

I do not speak of physical addiction in the sense that an alcoholic depends on alcohol, but that I get a certain pleasure from drinking in moderation which I should not get accustomed to. It provides a nice vehicle for practicing self-discipline, and keeps me from making bad short-sited decisions.

Tomorrow, I will make an active effort to produce a more coherent post, today's is disappointly merely a stream-of-thought, with no real message. It is sadly a masturbatory piece that has no real value. Yet, I hope that the mere practice of constructing even a shoddy article will lead me infinitesimly closer to being the great writer that I aspire to be.