Day Eleven: Sincerity

SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

Today, during the eleventh day of my month of discipline I am reflecting on Benjamin Franklin's seventh area of self-improvement: Sincerity. I know that I have a bad habit relating to this area: When someone asks me a question, I am likely to stop and analyze their motivation, and answer in a way that they would like, regardless of how I actually feel.

I rationalize this habit as telling white lies, but in reality it is a side-effect of me wanting to be well-liked. I do believe that white lies are sometimes necessary, in that sometimes people really do not want you to answer a question honestly. The archetypical white-lie-inducing question is "Do you think I look fat?" Of course, a very very good, close friend might be able to answer completely honestly, but an acquaintence will say without fail something to the effect of no, or a very obviously sarcastic yes.

More problematic than simple white lies, are those lies that you say simply to please another person, although you might now the truth is different. Sadly, I must admit that I often peddle insincerities in interactions with the opposite sex or when two of my friends are quarreling.

In my engagements with the opposite sex, I am sometimes guilty of what some might call leading a girl on in order to satisfy my carnal desires. What is interesting is that in some circles, this is no sin at all; male culture sometimes endorses the view that all is fair when it comes to bedding women. I admit my fault, though there are some who see it as virtue; I give in to my libido and sacrifice my morality. These engagements, although they may stroke my ego and are momentarily fun, do not bring me lasting pleasure. They are something that I must work to stop; what I really what is some sort of lasting meaningful relationship. This lofty goal, however, will take work.

In my engagements with warring friends, I often play both sides. The problem is, usually, I can see both friends' points, so it is not wholly insincere for me to agree with them. Also, sometimes I can see the futility in trying to convince one friend that they are in the wrong; no one sees themselves as being the villian, and it hard to change this mindset without alienating your friend (this is one of Dale Carnegie's key insights in How to Make Friends and Influence People). Sometimes I go too far, however, and to one friend I concede that one friend is strictly right and the other is wrong, and perhaps I do the same thing with the other. In this case, I have hardened their viewpoints and may have made the fight worse. In such cases, I should always be honest, and say that I do in fact see both sides and not pronounce judgement on the other party, though it is what my friend may desire to hear from me.

In cases where I am insincere, I have sacrificed my integrity. When I am caught being insincere, the cost is my reputation and self-respect. So, surely I should endeavour to always be sincere, as Franklin suggests. An appropriate cliche is: What is right is not always easy, and what is easy is not always what is right. Right now, I am tempted to do what is easy (to be insincere and sacrifice my integrity), although it may cost me the temporary thanks of my friends or a night of carnal pleasure.

But, as always, self-improvement requires self-discipline. So, when faced with a cross-roads, I should take the right path, even if it is more difficult.